This song was definitely challenging to write—not because it was technically advanced, but because of the subject matter. I remember being at a party with a bunch of my new friends in DC celebrating some birthdays when a friend of mine, who I had feelings for, walked in with another one of our friends. I knew right away what that meant, and it was certainly a crushing blow to my soul, even though in my heart I was happy for both of them.
I remember trying to hard to put on a happy face the rest of the night since I hadn’t shared my feelings with this friend or any of my other friends, but it certainly took a toll on me; it felt like I was acting in a play I wanted no part in.
The next day I felt inspired to pick up my guitar and start playing around with a lick I came up with about a week earlier. It felt like the perfect foundation for what I was feeling the night before: heartbroken, confused, isolated, and hopelessly romantic. I always seem to write my songs chronologically so they tell a story, this one being no exception, and decided to try something new with this one by starting with the chorus:
[Chorus]
I don’t care what they say anymore
I’m moving on
But I only see you when I close my eyes
Sometimes I feel the floodgates get weaker
When I rewind back to the first time I saw you
This felt more like me trying to convince myself that I was moving on than actually feeling it. A bunch of our friends through the night kept commenting on these two being together for quite some time, which sounded like nails on a chalkboard to me. I think one of the hardest things to do as a human is communicate to someone else how you feel for them, but this song, to me, was a huge step in working toward living an authentic and honest life.
These words also felt organic because there’s something familiar and therapeutic about the art of “moving on” from a feeling you’ve had for so long. Whether it was a healthy feeling or not, it was familiar; it became my comfort zone in a way. But for me this song was a reflection on how I even got to that point. Nostalgia kicked in and I felt like I was back to square one. But in a strange way, I think it was all part of the process.
After writing the chorus, I wrote the first verse:
[Verse 1]
Okay I heard you loud and clear
But you didn’t have to say a single thing
‘Cause I saw you in another’s arms already
No hard feelings
Okay I’m just kidding
Again, this section felt more like me trying to convince myself that I was distancing from the poignant emotions I had felt for many months. But it wouldn’t be a song of mine if I didn’t add a bit of playful woe 🙂 But really, if you’ve ever been in love with someone and unable to tell them for fear of judgement, only to eventually find them falling for someone else… it sucks. Big time. And yet, it’s that crushing feeling that makes you question what it is about that person that was so attractive. In my case, I think it was more about my own journey of self-discovery that made this particular crush so impactful.
[Verse 2]
No one told me it was this hard
But I guess I never came clean to you
How can I care this much
When I didn’t tell you a thing
Okay, I’m guessing this verse is pretty self-explanatory, but I feel inclined to expand on it regardless. A lot of people think that love only exists when it’s known clearly by all parties involved. HOWEVER, I am a a firm believer that love comes in many shapes and sizes, many forms. I am not a black-and-white thinker. I have fallen in love with a handful of people in my life, and typically it is different each time. That said, sometimes the strongest feelings can be those unspoken—but does that invalidate them? I think not. And yet it is unconventionally hard to compare your own feelings with society’s norms—and worse yet, question the legitimacy of them.
Once I had the chorus and first and second verses written, I took a stab at the bridge section:
[Bridge]
Take it from me
Don’t wait to say what’s on your mind
Or someday soon the love of your life
Could slip right through your hands
Through your hands, oh
I remember writing this a few weeks after starting the song initially. It gave me some time to process my emotions and think about how I wanted to proceed as a human (not to sound too cheesy). I hit a breaking point where my soul was desperate to be heard after my mind had spent nearly 26 years trying to conceal my true feelings.
I missed so many deep human connections in my life because I was terrified of rejection; terrified to be seen in ways that differed from how I wanted. But what did that really do for me? What had all that hiding and reservation done? Well, it continued to make me feel unheard, isolated, and lacking in purpose. So with these words, I felt compelled as a human being to share my woes. I decided it was time to start being honest with people regardless of how my honesty was received.
Behind the Music
Now that we’ve covered the emotion behind the song, I want to share some insight into the actual sound of the track. The funny thing with music is that all the best songs seem to come to fruition with the least amount of effort. It’s like the more I try to write a “good” song, the harder it is.
I am not kidding when I say this: I wrote this whole song (sans the bridge) in less than an hour. Once the initial guitar part was there, I recorded the first demo in 20 minutes with electric, acoustic, and bass guitar with a simple but effective drum part.
When I sent the stems to my producer, Dean, he asked me to record some extra vocals so he could add some thickness to the mix. So, as he wished, I laid down some extra lead vocal takes. 18 other lead takes, to be exact 😂 (just so he could have options). I recorded a left, right, and center take for the lead vocals, the same for an upper octave take, and the same for a lower octave take. Where did the other six tracks come from, you might be wondering? Well, I felt compelled to add even more harmonies to the mix and definitely got carried away.
I don’t know exactly how many tracks are used in the final mix, but I do know this: I was sick of singing this song afterward.
Anyway, after a couple months of back and forth, my producer sent me the final mix and I was hyped with how it came out. I felt like the sting of the initial inspiration had dulled out a bit by the time I was ready to release it.